"We come in one by one. We leave one by one. Our faces said it's so hard, stop turning to stone."

"Shouting words in a mirror, trying to find the Hero they all say I am. I don't want to let any of you down."

All right, a quote from a song One By One-- by Yoav. Nice song. Relaxing. And a quote from Set Your Goals-- song is Equals. Another good song.

So to put this all simply, Basic Training is going mostly well. It's a little intimidating here and there. The problem is I'm having more trouble balancing school and training. I have work tonight, and this weekend. I have 3 projects due this week and haven't started any of them because when I'm at school, I'm in school. When I'm home I'm having the slight relaxation I can get, when I'm at work I'm focussed on work.
So I'm having problems all ready. I'm waiting until November-- half way through, so I can look at my report card --to make my decision. But I'm slowly thinking of dropping the Course. Admittedly if I drop it, it won't be horrible. Because I'll keep whatever it is they've taught me. I'll always remember the experience and the people and I'll try my best to keep in contact with the people I've met.
Problem is while I want to leave I'm afraid to. I just don't think this is for me and I don't feel I'm doing it for me. I feel I'm doing it for my friends, my father, and my brother especially. I don't know who else would hire me afterwards (however with being in BMQ chances are very good many companies would love me instantly).
I'm afraid to leave.. who would have thought THAT would take guts?

So. I don't know what to do. But I'm waiting it out to have my decision completely made. If my average is below 70 however I'm dropping. Even if it's over... I don't know, fuck.
I feel like crap most of the time because I want to leave. But I don't want to let anybody down. I'm generally now forcing myself to do all this. Not that I'm not valuing the experience or anything, I am, and I'm valuing the people.

But still. I'm 17, going through my LAST YEAR of high school-- I.E: The most important --and everyone knows I'm not exactly an Honour Student. Though I feel with how the Army's been teaching me, I could pull that off. That's the problem though is that I need to focus on both at the same time, and I can't miss either of them. The army says it would let me take a weekend off to catch up, and I'm very afraid that I may need to do that this week. I won't. I don't think. But I may need to. And that sucks.
I need an extension on many of the papers I need to do. And I need to focus on school a little more rather than the military. Problem also is I was about to do all these things-- haircut, get projects done, etc --this past weekend. But I was called and told that I need to work. Well. That sucks.

It's getting difficult time wise, and it's crunched. I'm getting overwhelmed very quickly and this is just the third weekend. I fear it's going to get worse and worse.

But again.

I don't want to let my brother-- especially --and the rest of my family and friends down. I want to leave, because I'm fearing it's putting me behind in school. I'm waiting it out and while I may not complete BMQ I'll at least do half of it. Which... I guess makes me feel a little better. Kind of.

So. I'm worried. And freaking as I have been since this weekend. And I don't know what to do. Many people are telling me to stick with it. But I fear I just can't-- at least, not for much longer.

I just don't want to let anyone down. But I can't force myself to do something I feel I can't do any longer.

- Tristan